From Here to Health

My journey back from autoimmune disease

Different Daily Log

on June 18, 2012

So this daily log is not going to be my usual format.  I’m having one of those days!  I slept well.  My daughter did wake up twice in the night claiming there was a giant black beetle in her room, but since my husband was home, I only had to take one of the calls as exterminator.  Because my daughter had a swim lesson at 8:15a.m. I got up at 6:00 to work out beforehand.  I walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes at 4.0 and then did my ME workout.  I was able to get through 5 full rounds and 8 reps of round 6!  I was stoked!  It had only been a week and I was ready to move up in weight.  I felt strong and accomplished.  And then it happened.  My husband fixed the scale.  On the one hand, I was glad I didn’t have to shell out the extra bucks for a new scale.  On the other hand, if the scale was working, I felt compelled to get on it.  So I did.  125.4 pounds.  That is a 2 pound gain since my last weigh in.  I stepped on that scale feeling strong and accomplished and I stepped off feeling fat and defeated.  How is that possible?  How do I let a piece of plastic control how I feel about myself?  It is something I have struggled with since I was 12 years old.  We were having one of those President’s Fitness Test days in 6th grade.  Remember those?  You would have to do sit ups, pull ups, sit and reach, etc.  Well…. I did really well in all those areas.  I should have felt proud, and I did.  Until the weigh in.  The weigh-in was public and when I got up to the scale it said 104 pounds.  Some other girls said, “Can you believe she weighs over a hundred pounds?”  For some reason, that seemed like a huge number at the time.  I immediately felt like 104 was an unacceptable number.  Looking back, I know it was fine.  I was the same height in 6th grade as I am now- 5’2″.  If I were that weight now, I would be much too thin.  But it stuck with me.  I have measured my success and my worth by that number for years.  I can tell you how much I weighed the day I met my husband.  The day I married my husband.  They day my twins were born.  The day I came home from the hospital with my daughter.  And any number of other dates in between.  It’s twisted!  I know there is a better way to catalog the events in my life.  When will I be able to let this go???

Even with all that I have just said, it still remains true to say that I want to lose weight.  My clothes still don’t fit the way I want them to.  The question is, how do I achieve the results I want without my worth being tied up in that number?  I need to get this figured out before I pass this on to my 4 year old daughter.  I don’t want her to have her worth tied up an arbitrary number.  I want her to know her worth comes not from her outward beauty, but the simple fact that she is a cherished daughter of the most high God.  Somewhere deep in my psyche, I know that is true of myself as well, but I have a hard time living my day to day life in that place of grace.  It is a daily process.

As for a current action plan, I know I need to give up the chocolate for a while.  It has a hold on me.  I don’t think it is really too bad to have some dark chocolate now and then.  However, at this point, it has a little bit of a hold on me.  I also think I am going to have to adjust my goal of losing 10 pounds to losing 5 pounds.  Right now 10 pounds just seems overwhelming.  And I might be perfectly happy with 5.  If I can get in my clothes comfortably, I think I will.

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