From Here to Health

My journey back from autoimmune disease

A few more words on my “weight” revelation

on January 19, 2013

Any of you who read these posts probably know that I plan nothing beforehand.  When I have a few minutes, I just sit down here and type.  Just let it fly.  One day, I hope to actually put some thought into what I want this blog to be.  I take that back.  I have put thought into it, I just haven’t put any real action behind it.  I think I am hoping it will just evolve naturally into this living thing where I say something, you guys respond and there will be a natural progression- like a conversation.  We’ll see how that goes:)

Anyway, I wanted to speak a few more words about my newest revelation.  The one that states that I don’t have to lose this 10 pounds.  Really I don’t.  My doctor said so!  I was at my gynecologist last week and for the past couple years I have been asking her how I could get this 10 pounds off.  What she thought the “problem” might be.  This visit I asked her, “Do I have to lose this weight?  Is there any medical reason why I would need to?” Her answer was no.  Your BMI is great and if you feel better with the 10 pounds on then you absolutely shouldn’t worry about it.  All of this while literally weeping because I knew just in asking the question that I had given myself a huge gift.  Shaken off some pretty serious chains.  Let me put this in perspective.  In the 6th grade our class had to get weighed for the President’s Challenge.  You know, one of those things where they count your sit ups, pull ups and how far you and bend over and touch your toes.  Mind you, I did really awesome at all that stuff, but what I remember is that when I got up to the scale (in front of everyone, something that probably wouldn’t happen these days) someone said, ” I can’t believe she weighs 104 pounds!”  Maybe they meant that in a a good way.  Like, 104 pounds is soooo small.  But what I heard was, ” 104 pounds is too much to weigh.”  I realize now of course that 104 pounds was fine.  I was 5’2″ tall.  Same as now.  I didn’t grow another inch after 6th grade.  Now I weigh around 124 pounds so I know that at 104 pounds I was small.   But ever since that day I have had an unholy obsession with the number on the scale.  I can tell you what I weighed the night I met my husband.  The day we got married.  When I went to Paris.  When I went to Disney.  After giving birth to my daughter. When I was diagnosed with Sjodgren’s. When I was diagnosed with Celiac.  The list goes on and on.  I haven’t tried to commit these numbers to memory on purpose, but they have just carried such a strong tie to my self worth that I held on to them.  My commitment for 2013 is NO MORE SCALES!  I want to take a trip this year and my memory be- Wow, I slept so great on that trip, or I ate the most amazing local food on that trip, or even I had the best sex of my life on that trip ( of course this being a trip that my husband took also)!  The point is that I want to have other benchmarks for events in my life.  Things that actually carry meaning and worth. It really is so hard to put into words the way that this has changed my life.  There is a lightness of spirit that hasn’t been present for literally 20 years.  I am so excited about all the things I will have the energy to do now that I don’t have a commitment to obsessing over that number and how many calories I will need to cut or cardio hours I will need to put in.  Hopefully I will have some time to put into making this blog super awesome:))

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